There are moments in life when I just feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I love my job, let me start there. I love surgery, I love my role in surgery, I wish I could do more for the docs, but maybe someday when I go back to school I will. For now, I try my best to make each case go by smoothly and without a glitch. I try to anticipate everything they made need, and the next step in the surgery before they have to tell me a word.
Well, I don't really want to go into detail about everything... but I feel like I've worked so hard to gain the trust and respect of these doctors, and if one of them requests me (especially an owner of the place) I think I should be allowed to be in that room. Frustration sets in... and I just need to vent. Do I do a shitty job and not gain the respect of my bosses???? Heck no!!!! It's not in me to give up like that!
I am just myself. I love working hard, and then taking a long break because I finished early. I make a game of breaking into a doctors personality and figuring them out. I consider it a win when a doc remembers my name and stuff about my family because they work with soooo many people that remembering something about me is awesome!!!! I love LOVE love it when a doc requests me to be in their room, or they say they only want to work on days that I'm there. These are amazing compliments and testimonies of how damn hard I work!!!!! Some docs love to make people cry and have people be scared of them. I love breaking them down and showing them that I am a person too, even if I'm not an MD. They respect that about me. I share my moms opinion that the better you do your job, the more jealous people will be of you. In my case, I love my job, so it comes easy to me, and to those who it does not come easy to, they focus their frustration or insecurity on me. I can only let that slide for a while and then it just has to come to head. So after all is said and done, I'll never understand why people don't want to see other people succeed. They want to see others fail- crash and burn so they can feel like they are the only ones that can do anything. Oh well, can't change the world....
In a perfect world, everyone would just be themselves and not constantly copy others. Some people say it's a form of flattery, but I just find it annoying. My opinion is that people who copy others don't know who they are or who they want to be. They just make mirror images of others, and don't know really how to act. They'll never be happy because they are not true to themselves.
In a perfect world, everyone would just be themselves and not constantly copy others. Some people say it's a form of flattery, but I just find it annoying. My opinion is that people who copy others don't know who they are or who they want to be. They just make mirror images of others, and don't know really how to act. They'll never be happy because they are not true to themselves.
I may not have a ton of friends, and I know that I myself have ended a lot of friendships... But it was because I would have had to mold into a clique or change who I am to fit in. I am abrasive, stubborn, aggressive at times, motivated (at times), a bitch at other times, but me all the time. I will never change myself for anyone, and no one should ever ask that of me. If my husband and my family doesn't want me to change, I'm good. I certainly have not been as religious as some would have hoped, but it does not mean that I do not believe in God or have a relationship with Him. It may not be on anyone elses terms, but as long as I am OK with it, it should be of no concern to anyone else.
People are just so quick to tell you how to live your life, but if I lived mine the way someone else wanted me to would I be happy???? The answer simply, is no. I just want to be me, and not a lot of people understand me. But that's OK. I know I'm complex. Even Mark says that I am not your typical female. I like that. Because I think a lot of typical females give in to stereotypes and what other people say. I won't. I know I'm not the prettiest, skinniest, big-boobed, richest woman in the world, and if I never become that person I would be OK. I love me for who I am. I am unique, and I want to stay that way. Sometimes I just feel like I can't be myself when I have to watch over my shoulder for someone to copy me. I am not a trendsetter, I am not even near it. I certainly don't want to be.
I don't know what else to say.... I wish this could make sense, but I fear it doesn't. It's just so random. Oh well, that's what it's like in my brain sometimes- pretty random. Well, that's about it for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.... Make the best out of it!!!!
Here's a nice quote I received today.
"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."
-- Mary Manin Morrissey
-- Mary Manin Morrissey
2 comments:
wow i love it when you go off like that. :) i really do! it makes me feel like i can get to know you better. you know me, i am not a talker - especially when it comes to deep topics & opening up to people - but i feel like i can do that on my blog, which is why i love my blog. :) i love reading others' blogs also because i feel like you can really just say ANYthing on there. it's a great release.
back to you - i kind of understand some of what you're saying. i do think though that when people copy you or want to do what you do, the style that you do it in - it could be considered a point of flattery AND i can see how it can be considered an annoyance. i've also felt that way several times. sometimes i just want to do something & just DO it, all by myself. :) i hope you aren't talking about me in any way - not that i'm paranoid - but i know i've seen some things you've done & think, wow that's awesome, i want to do that too! :) LOL!
it's so funny you blogged about this today - i just started reading a book tonight called "Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, How to Succeed at Being Yourself". i think because of certain events that have happened in MY life, it's not always easy to love myself - or have the self confidence i need (maybe that i why i admire other people so much too, wishing i could be so much like them...wanting that energy that they put into everything and making things look so simple!). but - everyday IS a new day & i learn so much about myself (and others) every single day. ya know?
it kind of sounds like you had a crappy day, and i'm sorry for that!
goodness, i walk in & one of my partners (and yea he's supposed to be a mormon bishop, but you would never know it by his attitude at times!!) - he catches me BEFORE I PUT MY THINGS DOWN and says "hey can you unlock my office?". so i'm walking with him to open it, which is fine, it's my job (one of them, LOL) and i say "so how was your weekend?" and i'm in a chirpy, happy-go-lucky mood. he says "fine, and by the way, in the future never schedule meetings for me SO EARLY in the morning". his meeting was set for 10am on Mon (and he even asked me to schedule it!). i was kind of taken aback, and i get emotional easily, almost to the point of tears. i've done almost everything in my power to TRY to make this guy happy and whenever i try, he makes me feel like i'm a failure. at everything. it's hurtful! i'm a NICE person and i do try hard.
but you know what - i smiled BIG at him all day long (and it was very hard). i just knew i couldn't lower myself to his crappy attitude. his words stung, and i'll probably never forget it. but i just have to think, he can't be a very happy person. ya know?
anyway...i didn't mean to make this about me. i'm just saying (and this comment is getting super long, sorry for that) - i do not think you can please everyone, and no matter HOW good or great of a job you do, there is always always always going to be that sour puss that puts a dimmer on your light. :)
luckily for HIM i'm laid back! ha!
lol....so sorry for this long freakin' comment.
oh and YES my work scheduled a lunch w/the new girl. :) is that lame? well, it's kind of cool because she's in my department and i guess it's a tricky way to have us all get to know each other. oh well, at least she seems like a nice enough girl!
ok take care....going now. oh and i like your wintery layout! :) very nice and Christmasy!
ha ha my comment was almost as long as your post! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
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