-Do you remember when you were little and your parents always told you to enjoy every one of those days because later, when you grew up you'd have responsibilities and life wouldn't be as easy as it was right then again?????
-Do you remember where you thought you would be at a certain age in your life, or by a certain amount of years from where you were then????
-Do you ever feel disappointed in yourself completely???
Wow, today is such an emo day.... I have been thinking about these things all day....
-Do you remember where you thought you would be at a certain age in your life, or by a certain amount of years from where you were then????
-Do you ever feel disappointed in yourself completely???
Wow, today is such an emo day.... I have been thinking about these things all day....
Life was totally care free as a kid, and I'm glad I did enjoy those days.... They are such fond memories.... Hanging out with cousins, riding bikes, sitting out on the porch with the neighbor kids playing uno till late at night.... Then you grow up..... What an amazing journey.....
I feel very disconnected lately... Disconnected from my own self, I think....
If you know me, you know me...... I'm not being right lately....
I am an over the top people pleaser... It's what I do, it makes me feel good... It's my crack... What do you need??? How can I make your life easier??? How can I help you??? What would you like me to do???? I'll listen, I'll help.... Whatever you need... I'm here for you... I never want anything in return except for a little respect and luv....
I'm a work-o-holic!!!! A full time job at the surgery center, every Saturday at the hospital, and now 1 or 2 nights of 11pm-7am call every week at the hospital.... So if I get called in, I'll be staying at the hospital and going to the surgery center straight from there the next morning... Mostly because I love my job.... It's so much fun, I want to do it more....and more....and more.... But also because it keeps my mind occupied... There is so much to think about during surgery that I don't have time to think about a lot of anything else... Things I have going on, feelings, they all take a back burner to a surgical case... because I have to be focused!!!! It's my meditation zone.... I am in such a zone when we operate that I must clear my mind of everything else.... Hmmmmmmm...... I know I work a lot, and lately my work has been taking me to other places, away from home, away from my family, and the hours are getting longer as we get busier... The busier we get the more stable and secure our surgery center will become. The more stable and secure the center is, the more job security I have... I take that personal... Whatever I can do to make our place profitable and secure, I'm there.... All I ask is that the doctor be happy with the way I performed and with the outcome of the surgery.... Maybe even throw me a kudos every now and then...
I've been on a mission to lose weight for over a year now, but religiously since Jan. of this year..... I'm about 30 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this year..... Almost 50 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time... I've got 20 more pounds to go.... and I'm so intimidated by the task of taking weight lifting and ab workouts on... But I have to add something new or I will never get to the place I want to be.... I hate ab workouts, well, simply because they are hard... I'm intimidated by weight lifting because I am never going to be a small girl, I have broad shoulders, broad hips, a big rib cage, and the last thing I ever want to do is look like a big girl with big muscles..... That's so gross to me.... I know I can't ever be dainty... and really dainty is not something I ever want to be.... I know that I will probably never look the way I want to in my mind... It's impossible.... and my self-image of myself will always be much lower than what others see.... I am so over critical of myself.... and I know that.... Those are my issues, and I don't pin them on anyone else.... I'm the one that ate all the food that made me who I am today, so I am the one that has to deal with everything involved in getting to a better physical place.... I'm working on it.... I like to change my appearance often to see if there is something new out there that I like better... A new haircut... a new hair color.... streaks... chunks.... Whatever, I'll try it at least once to see how it goes.... This last short haircut, while everyone loved it, it scared me into growing my hair out, and now I'm dying to cut it again because I'm in the funky grow out awkward stage... I'm so impatient when it comes to stuff like that...
I really want to further my education.... I had a thought one day of just getting started with my pre-reqs for whatever path I decide to take eventually... So I did the online application for the local comm. college... But since then have second guessed 1-my ability to afford it, and 2- my ability of having the time to take any courses even online ones... I know in my heart that I should just suck it up and go for it anyway, but I just don't know... and that bothers me even more because that is not usually the way I would react. I should be gung-ho!!!! I have so many people at work telling me I need to go back to school, and I know I do... but when???
I'm so committed to Noah and Tae-Kwon_Do... I take him there three times a week... I make sure he practices almost everyday.... I'm committed to his success... During the school year, I commit to helping him with homework, and reading... and especially this coming year when he enters the GATE program, I know that I will have a lot more work on my plate with him, but it is for his benefit later in life to learn as much as he can now... So I will be there every step of the way trying to help him be the best Noah he can be... It's my responsibility to him as his mom...
My poor hubby... I know that all the tasks I talk about seem like a lot to take care of .... and how easy would it be for me to get over involved in all those other things, and forget to appreciate him and his love.... Too easy unfortunately... But I love Mark so dearly, and I never want him to feel neglected, forgotten, or pushed away.... I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be... I try to come home and make a good dinner for him during the week, or at least his protein shake for the gym... I try to make him feel loved by making him sweets or baking his fav cookies whenever he's craving them.... I try to stay awake and watch the shows he wants to watch or the movies we put on... I really try my best for him.... He's such a good man.... So honest, loving, giving, forgiving, tolerant (cuz you know I can be obnoxious!!!), playful, sweet, romantic, helpful...... I could go on and on and on for a long time... He makes me feel sooo loved at times when I feel no one should love me and I can't even love myself... That's amazing
I am such a trusting person... I trust my friends, I trust people, I basically adopt them into my family and love to make them feel the love!!! I love to be someones rock, their "person" to rely on, to talk to when they have issues of their own... I love to help... I love to listen... I am the one everyone calls in the end to talk about life when no one else is around.. Sounds kind of bad, huh?? Like I'm the last resort, but in honesty, if someone is really upset and I'm the last one they call but I help them, how awesome is that??? I've been burned so many times for being this way, and guess what??? I'll never change it...... Because the minute I change that, I'd feel so bitter, judgemental, and snobby..... Like I thought I was better than someone else... That is just not my style!!! I give people the benefit of the doubt... I give people multiple chances if they've made mistakes...just depends on how bad they've hurt me or betrayed me.... But I do have the will to write people out of my life.... I give my heart and soul in a friendship, and in relationships and will not be disrespected... It's just rude... I will not be lied about, talked shit about behind my back, or manipulated.... I am digusted when people wait for you to slip up and do something imperfect.... It may be a personal issue, but sometimes I feel like I am held to a higher or tougher standard than some of the others around me... I am not above anyone... I don't pretend to be someone I am not... I am me.... I can't help who I was born to be, I just am... So for anyone to hold it against me, is SOOOO frustrating... What a waste of an opportunity to be spending time watching someone else, waiting for them to do something you can hold against them..... I try to make every day count for something... Even if it counts as a day of relaxation.... It counts!!!
I feel very disconnected lately... Disconnected from my own self, I think....
If you know me, you know me...... I'm not being right lately....
I am an over the top people pleaser... It's what I do, it makes me feel good... It's my crack... What do you need??? How can I make your life easier??? How can I help you??? What would you like me to do???? I'll listen, I'll help.... Whatever you need... I'm here for you... I never want anything in return except for a little respect and luv....
I'm a work-o-holic!!!! A full time job at the surgery center, every Saturday at the hospital, and now 1 or 2 nights of 11pm-7am call every week at the hospital.... So if I get called in, I'll be staying at the hospital and going to the surgery center straight from there the next morning... Mostly because I love my job.... It's so much fun, I want to do it more....and more....and more.... But also because it keeps my mind occupied... There is so much to think about during surgery that I don't have time to think about a lot of anything else... Things I have going on, feelings, they all take a back burner to a surgical case... because I have to be focused!!!! It's my meditation zone.... I am in such a zone when we operate that I must clear my mind of everything else.... Hmmmmmmm...... I know I work a lot, and lately my work has been taking me to other places, away from home, away from my family, and the hours are getting longer as we get busier... The busier we get the more stable and secure our surgery center will become. The more stable and secure the center is, the more job security I have... I take that personal... Whatever I can do to make our place profitable and secure, I'm there.... All I ask is that the doctor be happy with the way I performed and with the outcome of the surgery.... Maybe even throw me a kudos every now and then...
I've been on a mission to lose weight for over a year now, but religiously since Jan. of this year..... I'm about 30 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of this year..... Almost 50 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time... I've got 20 more pounds to go.... and I'm so intimidated by the task of taking weight lifting and ab workouts on... But I have to add something new or I will never get to the place I want to be.... I hate ab workouts, well, simply because they are hard... I'm intimidated by weight lifting because I am never going to be a small girl, I have broad shoulders, broad hips, a big rib cage, and the last thing I ever want to do is look like a big girl with big muscles..... That's so gross to me.... I know I can't ever be dainty... and really dainty is not something I ever want to be.... I know that I will probably never look the way I want to in my mind... It's impossible.... and my self-image of myself will always be much lower than what others see.... I am so over critical of myself.... and I know that.... Those are my issues, and I don't pin them on anyone else.... I'm the one that ate all the food that made me who I am today, so I am the one that has to deal with everything involved in getting to a better physical place.... I'm working on it.... I like to change my appearance often to see if there is something new out there that I like better... A new haircut... a new hair color.... streaks... chunks.... Whatever, I'll try it at least once to see how it goes.... This last short haircut, while everyone loved it, it scared me into growing my hair out, and now I'm dying to cut it again because I'm in the funky grow out awkward stage... I'm so impatient when it comes to stuff like that...
I really want to further my education.... I had a thought one day of just getting started with my pre-reqs for whatever path I decide to take eventually... So I did the online application for the local comm. college... But since then have second guessed 1-my ability to afford it, and 2- my ability of having the time to take any courses even online ones... I know in my heart that I should just suck it up and go for it anyway, but I just don't know... and that bothers me even more because that is not usually the way I would react. I should be gung-ho!!!! I have so many people at work telling me I need to go back to school, and I know I do... but when???
I'm so committed to Noah and Tae-Kwon_Do... I take him there three times a week... I make sure he practices almost everyday.... I'm committed to his success... During the school year, I commit to helping him with homework, and reading... and especially this coming year when he enters the GATE program, I know that I will have a lot more work on my plate with him, but it is for his benefit later in life to learn as much as he can now... So I will be there every step of the way trying to help him be the best Noah he can be... It's my responsibility to him as his mom...
My poor hubby... I know that all the tasks I talk about seem like a lot to take care of .... and how easy would it be for me to get over involved in all those other things, and forget to appreciate him and his love.... Too easy unfortunately... But I love Mark so dearly, and I never want him to feel neglected, forgotten, or pushed away.... I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be... I try to come home and make a good dinner for him during the week, or at least his protein shake for the gym... I try to make him feel loved by making him sweets or baking his fav cookies whenever he's craving them.... I try to stay awake and watch the shows he wants to watch or the movies we put on... I really try my best for him.... He's such a good man.... So honest, loving, giving, forgiving, tolerant (cuz you know I can be obnoxious!!!), playful, sweet, romantic, helpful...... I could go on and on and on for a long time... He makes me feel sooo loved at times when I feel no one should love me and I can't even love myself... That's amazing
I am such a trusting person... I trust my friends, I trust people, I basically adopt them into my family and love to make them feel the love!!! I love to be someones rock, their "person" to rely on, to talk to when they have issues of their own... I love to help... I love to listen... I am the one everyone calls in the end to talk about life when no one else is around.. Sounds kind of bad, huh?? Like I'm the last resort, but in honesty, if someone is really upset and I'm the last one they call but I help them, how awesome is that??? I've been burned so many times for being this way, and guess what??? I'll never change it...... Because the minute I change that, I'd feel so bitter, judgemental, and snobby..... Like I thought I was better than someone else... That is just not my style!!! I give people the benefit of the doubt... I give people multiple chances if they've made mistakes...just depends on how bad they've hurt me or betrayed me.... But I do have the will to write people out of my life.... I give my heart and soul in a friendship, and in relationships and will not be disrespected... It's just rude... I will not be lied about, talked shit about behind my back, or manipulated.... I am digusted when people wait for you to slip up and do something imperfect.... It may be a personal issue, but sometimes I feel like I am held to a higher or tougher standard than some of the others around me... I am not above anyone... I don't pretend to be someone I am not... I am me.... I can't help who I was born to be, I just am... So for anyone to hold it against me, is SOOOO frustrating... What a waste of an opportunity to be spending time watching someone else, waiting for them to do something you can hold against them..... I try to make every day count for something... Even if it counts as a day of relaxation.... It counts!!!
I love to have fun... I know I'm not a teenager, and I probably shouldn't go out SOOO much... But it's so nice to go out and relax... Be it with my hubby, my friends,or my family... I love it!!!! I love that I can go out with just the girls sometimes, we sit around and chit chat like girls do... We dance with each other and don't even think about dancing with guys.. It's just about us getting together, going out and having fun together.... My friends love to dance!!!! And SO DO I!!! Man, it's a great workout and sooo much fun too!!! I love it when Mark comes along too and I get him out on the dance floor.. Let me elaborate on that..... I love that he will go out on the dance floor with me.... Some guys won't give in that much for their ladies, but mine does!!! Lucky me!!!! He'll even GET LOW!!! lol..... Going out, being out of the house, sometimes it's just what the doctor orders... :)~
Someone recently told me that every person is this world is committed.... The difference is that some people commit to others (their husbands, girlfriends, families, etc...) and some only commit to themselves... Then I was told that I was a saint :)~ because I commit my life to everyone else around me but myself... I agree.... Wow... to be compared to a saint.... Certainly a HUGE exaggeration, but a wonderful compliment none the less.... And this from someone who has only known me for a few months... Amazing....
I am a firm believer that a man and a woman CAN be friends and by friends I mean nothing sexual...just friends!!! Some of the bestest (that's so not a word) friends I have had in my life have been men... and I wouldn't have given them up for the world!!! Call it naive, call it what you will.... but it is possible...and I will never believe anything different.... I have a great group of friends from work that are males.... "The boys" They are doctors, nurses, they are all different, and they are all awesome... We bullshit at work, we go-kart, we email jokes back and forth... They invite me to their events and I invite them to my events...We're friends... and I luv them all!!! I'm lucky to know them...
So in the end, a person can always come back to some lame cliche saying that everyone has heard a million times... and the one I am sticking to right now is...
No one will love you, if you don't love yourself
Deep down I do love myself.... There is a lot to love.... Not in a conceited manner of speaking, but in an honest self-reflective way... I am a strong person, I am smart, I am outgoing, I can be infectiously happy... I always have a smile on my face.... There is nothing I can't do if I put my mind and heart into it.... So I need to continue to think it, live it, breathe it... and realize it.....
I am a firm believer that a man and a woman CAN be friends and by friends I mean nothing sexual...just friends!!! Some of the bestest (that's so not a word) friends I have had in my life have been men... and I wouldn't have given them up for the world!!! Call it naive, call it what you will.... but it is possible...and I will never believe anything different.... I have a great group of friends from work that are males.... "The boys" They are doctors, nurses, they are all different, and they are all awesome... We bullshit at work, we go-kart, we email jokes back and forth... They invite me to their events and I invite them to my events...We're friends... and I luv them all!!! I'm lucky to know them...
So in the end, a person can always come back to some lame cliche saying that everyone has heard a million times... and the one I am sticking to right now is...
No one will love you, if you don't love yourself
Deep down I do love myself.... There is a lot to love.... Not in a conceited manner of speaking, but in an honest self-reflective way... I am a strong person, I am smart, I am outgoing, I can be infectiously happy... I always have a smile on my face.... There is nothing I can't do if I put my mind and heart into it.... So I need to continue to think it, live it, breathe it... and realize it.....
I need to get out of my funk, and relax.... Breathe.... Reflect.... So if I'm out of touch with everyone for a while, it's only because I am getting back in touch with myself......
