The never ending story.......

Just getting through another week of work, and trying to make some plans... Lately I just feel so ehhh about all the things I have to do... I think I like to pile a lot on my plate just to test myself and see how much I can handle.. I like pressure...this I know... But there are always unexpected events that pile on top of that...and make me feel like a failure... so I try to remind myself of why I'm not..... and why I will never be...

I think up to now, I've done a great job at all that I do....

I am a good wife... I love Mark with all my heart... and would do whatever it takes to make him happy.. Cook, clean, work, whatever... If he comes home craving cookies, I'll make them... If he just wants to relax and snuggle, consider it done!!!! I am supportive of him, and his decisions, and I am there for him... To help....to console, to repair...to love.... I'd do anything for this man....

I am a good mom.... Loving, fun, nurturing, caring....Yet tough and strict... Noah does good at school... Good grades, loves math!!! Excels at math!!! Sure, he's semi-shy until he's comfy with you, but after that it's over!!!! He opens up to people, but is cautious... I love that!!! It' shows me his judgement.... He knows that if he doesn't know someone, he's shouldn't tell them his life story right away.... He loves to hug us and tell us he loves us... He won't go to bed without a hug and a kiss from me and a high five from daddy... He is responsible for himself... In the morning, he gets up and makes his own cereal without us having to say a word. He is doing such a great job in Tae Kwon Do... As a matter of fact, he will test tomorrow for his next belt... Camouflage!!!! I'm sooo proud to be his mom...

I pride myself at what I do at work in the operating room. I know I am good at my job... Of course, there is so much about the job that I do not know, because of the places I've worked and the experience I've gained..... But I love hearing a surgeon say he missed me because I wasn't in his OR... I even have a doc now that said he would rather cancel his operating day than not have me in his room.. That's a compliment!!!! At my weekend job, there is a surgeon that will only schedule his cases on Saturdays because that is when the best crew is at the hospital. I love knowing what the doc will need next in a case before he can even ask me... (When I started tech school...the instructor told me that a great tech will become a mind reader!!!!) It's little things like that, that give me joy inside... I smile and pat myself on the back.... Good job, Kathy!!!!

I'm a great friend... Just ask Kimmy.... I love that girl!!! I'm there for whatever she needs... If it's a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to you, a designated driver, or a hug when things go really wrong... I'm there. The only way to have a great friend, is to be one.... I take that quote to heart!!! There's nothing like having a best friend to hang out with and giggle with... I love that we can just say a word and laugh for like 10 minutes!!!

I love my family... My mom and sisters... They are 3 of the most amazing women I will ever know in my life!!!! Each pretty different, but awesome!!!! I cherish them soo much... I love being near them... Just knowing they are close gives me so much strength... My moms wisdom is profound!!! To know where my mom came from and all that she has been through... To see her so happy and unaffected by all the wrong that has happened in her life... It's a miracle... a true live miracle.... What an example to have to follow... I'll do anything for my mom and sisters... My extended family from Marks side... Either good or bad, I think we've made progress and definitely gotten to know each other better through the years... I love that we try to get together a lot... Keeping the family close.. It's what kids need these days... They have to learn how important family is, not status or materialism... Status is bullshit... It's an ego trip... Materialism is greed... I love that we have a good time when we get together... Like in any family...there are misunderstandings and disagreements, but we get over it.... And in most cases, move on with life....

There are times that I don't understand why things happen... Why things are the way they are... But I know it's not my call... I just try to make the best of life... You only get one.... I know that if it is in the stars for some or all of my dreams and hopes to come true...that they will at the right time... Which may not be the right time for me, but it will be the right time.... I cling to this with all my heart. I think about it all the time...

I try to understand how people who live their lives so wrong, look so happy.... Then I realize, how fake it is.... how rehearsed and concocted their behavior is... But it doesn't make me feel any better... I still ask myself why??? I guess the answer is... I'll never know.... It's none of my business.... The world we live in today is so demanding of perfection... and I am not perfect.. Oh boy, am I not perfect.. And I will teach my family that perfection is unattainable... There is no such thing.... You need to be a good person, with a good heart... That will take you sooo much further than looking perfect or "acting" perfect.... That's all bullshit... It's an act....

Don't get me wrong here.... This isn't a "pity me story" or a "look at how great I am story" either.... Just a blog, right??? To post what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling right now... I love my life and I think that I've grown up into a pretty decent human being... I think I've come a long way from where I think I could have ended up.... But I think we all have moments where we ask ourselves if we can do something better than what we are doing right now..... I think my answer is yes.... I will try to be a better person in every aspect of my life...

The end...